I have betrayed one that I love…
I have thrown away their trust,
I have stomped on their personhood.
I have treated them as a commodity and not as a person…
How could I have done this?
How could I have been so blinded by the shiny and new;
the provocative; and the sensual
by the unquenchable thirst for power and influence…
He is (was?) my friend/She was (is?) my spouse/They “are” my family…
I am unworthy to ask for forgiveness
I am only worthy of damnation and rejection
Everywhere I go people look at me and think (or so I think)
But is it not the guilt ridden look of shame on my face that they see?
I am undone
I have failed
I am unworthy to look in their eyes and say, ‘I was wrong, please forgive me..’
Shame shadows me like the dark shadow of death..
And I have died and I have caused death…
the death of a trust
the death of a love
publicly pledged and given
nurtured from birth
created out of a common cause
O God! Help me!
I burn with the flames of sin, of shame, of evil!
Am I done?
In Your stealthy Love that fills my soul with hope,
In the Grace that seeps through the cracked walls of my soul
In the Mercy that oozes from the floor and gives me a solid foundation to stand on
You come to bring me home…
the prodigal me…
smelly, dirty, rancid
a shadow of the self You want me to be
You come and tell me
‘this day, you will be with me in paradise’
I had only hoped for a spot on the kitchen staff
but you have a place for me at family table…
I am undone
Great God of mercy,
I come, I come
just as I am
Amen and Amen
© 2011 by Jim Kane